That "Pedophile" might actually be innocent o!

I hate ABUSE, in whatever form.

Physical, emotional, psychological; but the one I hate the most - the one that makes we wish to have supernatural powers so I can properly deal with the perpetrator, the one I HATE to hear of - is SEXUAL ABUSE!

It kills me inside when I hear a person was sexually abused. 

When I hear it’s a child...................Oh dear God! I feel like the perpetrator be fried, slowly, in a basin of hot oil, mixed with Cameroon pepper - after being castrated and his tongue cut off! That's how much I loath pedophiles. 

Why on God's green earth will a person lay a hand - sexually on a person who isn't an adult???

 I can't understand it so I’ll just chalk it up to "it’s demon possession" (we have a way of going spiritual with things we can't comprehend, right?)

Well, since I have successfully (I hope) let you in on how much I hate people who defile children, let us take a little step backwards, clear our heads and really think about this. Do you know that some kids cry wolf when nothing has actually happened???? You don’t believe that to be true, right?

I didn’t too, until recently

A petty trader in my area has a girl of about 10 living with her. I don’t see that girl anymore so I asked about her from another woman who is close to them. The story I heard shocked me to the bone and made me re-evaluate everything I have ever heard about child molesters.

The little girl was sent on an errand to an office in the area. She went there and instead of doing what she came for and leaving, she started playing and chatting with the guys in that office (the office assistants and stuff) The gist was getting too much and the boys were being too playful with her so one of the ogas in the office came out and asked her to do what she came for and leave quickly.

The girl left. Only for her to go some soldiers who guard a government establishment in the area (the soldiers know her very well) she went to them, crying bitterly, and told them that someone tried ‘fingering’ her. The soldiers were mad! They immediately wore their boots and marched her to show them the ‘bloody baga’. The girl took them to that office and pointed to the oga who sent her away! The man was so confused when the soldiers came to meet him. He denied from north to south, from east to west but the soldiers were hearing none of it. They probably would have beaten him black and blue if not that they know the guy quite well in the area. As the commotion was going on someone caught the girl giving the man the tongue from behind the soldiers (she was doing ‘ntoor’ to the guy!)

The person shouted and pointed it out. That was when it dawned on everyone that the girl was lying! She was angry with the man for cutting short her play time with the boys so she decided to frame him. She probably knows how much people hate child molesters so she decided to use that story.

Can u imagine!

This is a girl who is still in primary school.

Can u imagine how many ‘pedophiles’ and ‘child molesters’ have been framed like this????

We think these children can’t do stuff like this. I thought so too. How wrong we are. Some of them have grown to be so evil!

God help us!

Before we jump in conclusions when we hear of allegations like this, we should take out time to do some investigations. Really interview the child and people around. Let’s be absolutely sure before we nail that person to the cross.

And let’s also try to raise our kids to know right and wrong. To know the value in integrity and the value in a good name.

Prayer

God please help me as well as all parents do right by our kids, give us wisdom to train our kids aright and help us keep them safe from all evil and evil people, Amen.

Detained in hospital, after childbirth, for 5 months!

What!? Where is that hospital? Who is this callous doctor that will keep a woman in a hospital after childbirth for this long?? Are they mad? What devilish people? Don't they have human sympathy????

Are these your thoughts right now? I'm sure they are. Those were my thoughts too, when i heard the line i used in the title.

NEVER CONCLUDE ANYTHING AFTER HEARING JUST ONE SIDE OF A STORY!

That's what i learnt today. Well, i have known that for so long, but today, this saying was reinforced in my mind.

The real story
So, a reporter at Vanguard newspaper contacted a good friend of mine, telling her that his neighbor had been held hostage at the hospital were she gave birth, since November last year. My friend shared this disturbing news on our whatsapp group and it touched my soul. I told her i would go with her to investigate this matter and see what i can do to help. We went to the hospital today.

The hospital - a big hospital located at Ejigbo, Lagos - looked very good from the outside but our anger, borne out of the news we had gotten, didn't let us appreciate anything. We went in and met with the lady (let's call her B). After talking with her for less than 5 minutes, i realized something - this woman is not a serious person . Not serious about anything!
No child comes suddenly. Like my friend told her today, every child gives the parents 9 months notice before showing up. How can a woman be pregnant, go 9 months and not have a dime to pay for hospital bill???? No kobo at all!

Let's be realistic. Yes, true, we know the country is hard, money is so hard to come by these days, but come on! Yes, she gave birth through cesarean section. She probably didn't expect to, that is understandable. But she didn't even have a dime to pay from day 1 that she was admitted at the hospital. The hospital took her in, carried out CS operation on her, cared for the baby and her and they didn't ask her for any initial deposit!!! Took her 3 months to make her first payment which was even less than 1% of her total bill! I am not kidding you!

If i didn't go there today and saw things with my eyes, i wouldn't have believed that a hospital like this exists in  this country! That a hospital owner can still value human life above money.

But why do people do things like this????? If you know you can't handle a baby, why why why would you go in to produce one???

I was so appalled today. So mad at the lady and the guy who impregnated her (i hate the word "baby daddy") Both of them are disappointments as far as i am concerned. And not because they can't afford to pay hospital bill. NO, not that. But because they seem so comfortable in their situation, not willing to do anything to get out of it.

I want to say that the hospital has been AMAZING!!! I am so pleased to be on the side of a hospital in a case like this. I am usually one to cry "Blue murder" when i hear that a hospital detained someone, a nursing mother most especially. But in this case, i applaud the hospital. They still allow her to be comfortable - with a bed, new sheets each day, access to water and steady light and a clean environment. Considering the kinds of stories of inhuman doctors and hospitals we hear these days, this is a welcome relief.

But a hospital environment is no place for a new baby to grow up in. That baby needs to get out of that hospital. For the sake of that baby - that beautiful, adorable, playful and pleasant baby girl - i am going to follow up this matter until B and her baby goes home.

What exactly do some people mean when they say "I am sorry"?

Apology is defined as "a statement saying you are sorry about something : an expression of regret for having done or said something wrong".

This definition implies that one apologizes when one regrets an action (or inaction) right? Well, is that what we get these days???? For the most part, NO!

Most times people apologize, not because they regret their actions but because they have been caught!

SCENARIO A

A man has a side chick outside his matrimonial home. This relationship has gone on 3 years. He bought the girl a car and rented a house for her which he furnished and is paying the rent as it expires. Coincidentally, the side chick and the wife met at the salon one day. They don't know each other. The hair stylist was hailing the side chick on how lucky she is to get a man that loves her so much. A man that still worships the ground she steps on 3 years into the relationship. She told everybody there how the man takes care of the girl and her financial needs. The gist progressed and the wife even joined in wishing the girl well and telling her she is one of the lucky few to get a man that dotes on her. The girl, in order to further hype herself and her man told them that her man is not only loving and caring but also handsome and a fantastic dresser. She said "don't worry, you guys will see him when he comes to pick me up from here. We will be going to watch a movie when we leave here". Wow! What a man! Everyone there couldn’t wait. Lo and behold, the guy landed and it turned out to be the woman's husband. Husband that is supposed to be at work??? All hell broke loose! The salon lady is still trying to fix her salon from the chaos that erupted there that day! Slaps were flying around, blows were dodged, people running helter skelter as the wife ‘unleashed the dragon’ on her husband and the side chick. She was finally restrained. The man went down on his knees and started begging. "I am so sorry, please forgive me, this will never happen again, I promise".

Now, please, is this apology by the man "an expression of regret for having done something wrong" OR a go to phrase just because his wife caught him 'with his pants down'.

SCENARIO B

A woman has her sick mother in law living with them in the house. The mother in law has been down with stroke and needs round the clock care. They employ a nurse to assist but the nurse goes home by 7pm so from that time till morning, wife has to take over the duties. She doesn’t like this arrangement one bit. She hates the arrangement so much that she has begun to also hate her mother in law. She starts taking it out on her. When mama wets herself, wifey goes in and yells at her and sometimes even smacks her asking her why she is just making everyone suffer, why she wouldn’t just die so everybody can rest. Mama cries silently. The stroke affected her speech so she can't even tell her son what is going on. One day, daddy was playing with the 3 year old who smacked daddy's ass and said "Let me smack you like mummy smacks grandma". Daddy isn’t sure he heard right. But instead of confronting, he decides to investigate. He tiptoes into the room one of the times wifey was in there and lo and behold, wifey was just in the middle of her "why don’t you die this useless woman" speech! What? My own mother? That is it, you are leaving my house tonight! I don’t want to ever see you in my life again. Wife starts rolling on the ground, begging, apologizing. "I am sorry, i am so so sorry, I dont know what came over me, It will never happen again"

Now, please, is this apology by the woman "an expression of regret for having done something wrong" OR a "i just need to say something now that you caught me whupping your momma's arse".

Saying I am sorry when you offend someone goes a long way in keeping a relationship. When in the heat of an argument, you say something untoward to your partner, you should apologize. Or when you make them look bad in anyway, you definitely should apologize. But when you have been doing something bad to your partner for a very long time, with no intention of stopping, and you are now caught in the act - saying 'i am sorry' will seem like cutting someone with a matchet, leaving a deep cut that even cut bone and then covering the wound with plaster! You have not done anything yet!

It's much better to repent of those behaviors that you have to apologize for or to even avoid them altogether than to apologize when you are caught. For me, apology at that time is not sincere. You are just taking the other person for a fool. Would you have apologized if you were not caught? Would you have even stopped the act?

God help us as we strive to live good and worthy lives. God also help our partners do the right thing at the right time.

Could it be Love, Stupidity or Juju?

When I was younger, i had an uncle who the general consensus was that his wife had either given him "something" to eat or she had tied him at the end of her wrapper or he was firmly placed in a bottle! We looked at the woman with one kain eye then because we used to wonder which native doctor did that for her. Why did we think that??? Because that uncle of mine loved her in a way that didnt make sense to us! You ask my uncle for money, he says he will get back to you - just because he wants to discuss it with his wife. Sometimes, he will even refer you to his wife if you call for anything. He will say "tell your aunty what the issue is and i will call you later". Anyone who came to tell him anything negative about his wife, he will EITHER call his wife, right in front of you, and ask you to say what you were just saying OR he will ask you to get out of his house. To everyone outside, it seemed like his wife could do no wrong. Him and his wife were always on the same page on any and everything and that used to annoy the heck outta me!
Fast forward years later, as an adult, i was gisting with him one day and i stylishly told him "Uncle, you know we used to think aunty charmed you or something. Because of the way you used to put her in front and before everyone, never accepting that she could do any wrong". My uncle laughed and said "Nne, i want a happy marriage and i know i can only have that by ensuring i put my wife first and keep her happy at all times. My life is a whole lot easier if i dont keep anything from her" .

I am now married. I now understand. I can now see that Government is supposed to pass a law to make my uncle a role model for all husbands and aspiring husbands - by fire by force. whether they like it or not - that is if they want happy families and a happier society! Men today can a learn a lot from my uncle!

Some days ago, twitter went haywire with the news of Ice Prince and his babe (Maima) who is allegedly cheating on him with a married man (or will i say "cheating on the married man with Ice Prince" since the olofofos say that she had been dating the married man way before meeting Ice Prince). Well, Ice Prince took to twitter to defend her vigorously! He called out the married man, he hooked Maima up to this very high pedestal and made people that "carried the matter for head" look really stupid! A lot of people are like:

LOL!

People are wondring if this one is LOVE, STUPIDITY OR JUJU. Well, i think its Love. The guy is the one wearing the shoe, he is he one in the ring, he is the only one that has a right to determine how to act. He is a man who is defying all odds to be with a woman he loves. That is a keeper! He will probably go in and fight with her and cry and shout but to the world, he gat her back!

I really wish them the best. men that stand up for their women are rare. You see a man who hears something about his wife and no matter where they are or who is present, he starts berating her. a lot of men profess all manner of love in private, but in public, they hang their women out to dry (like wet handkerchief)
Love like Ice Princes' is hard to find now. He might seem foolish to us but really, that woman who doesnt want her man to stand solidly behind her even when she has done wrong should indicate by raising her hand!
Maima, lucky you! But make sure you dont break Ice Prince's heart after all these ooo, it will be a huge shame!

Stop selling yourself short!

This post is inspired by my very good and beautiful friend - Vivian.

My last post on this blog was titled "My post baby body is hotter than yours" where i talked about the pressure being put on women from all angles, to try to snap back their bodies into position almost immediately after childbirth. That post was shared on my facebook page and Vivian said "Yes it sure is" in reply to that title. She knew i didnt mean the title literally but i only used it as a catchy caption. But she still commented as if that was what i was saying. She is naughty that way!

Well one thing led to another on the post and i told her she looked good as a mother and she said "I know right?" That got me thinking. This is a woman who is confident and comfortable in her own skin and isn't afraid to admit it!
Usually what we get are women who either dont really know they are beautiful or dont want to admit it - for one reason or the other. Some think its an issue of modesty. They think that to admit they are beautiful is being immodest and vain. I dont think so. And so you see many of us say "Ah, me? it's a lie joor" when someone compliments us. Someone says "Your dress is beautiful" and instead of "Thank you so much" we say "This dress? Its even old sef". We run ourselves down - without knowing or even meaning to!

I am not saying one should go about singing "I am a beautiful woman. My body is so hot and sexy. i am a stunner" etc. I am just saying don't sell yourself short when someone points out how good looking you are! Own it! Take it! Accept it! Acknowledge it! We should begin to know our worth and not be afraid to voice it. Don't be scared to admit that which another has noticed. It is a good given quality, don't refuse it with your tongue. When you look good and feel good, admit it too as all these go a long way to build our self esteem

So when next someone tells you you look hot, say "I do, right? Thank you so much" and move along!

My Post Baby Body is hotter than yours!

This is what Tiwa Savage had to say to Mercy Johnson who gave birth a month ago

"@mercyjohnsonokojie post baby body on fleek e no easy o. Shoutout to all the mummies taking acre of their beautiful babies and still working on their body, its easy to let the pressure get to you especially as we dey see these our abroad celebrities getting their bodies back after 2 hours of labor lol some people are blessed that way. Every mallam with em kettle. You've just gone through a miraculous process, take it one step at a time and enjoy bonding with your baby. Your body will bounce back, you are BEAUTIFUL"

In recent times, this craze of "snapping back to shape" after childbirth has hit the society like a hurricane. A lot of times, we see people document their weight loss after childbirth to let you know how authentic their journey is. The rat race to get back the belly and the body has been on for some time now. People, instead of celebrating a woman who just accomplished a humongous feat, look at her closely to see if she added weight or if her stomach is still "looking pregnant". people go as far as criticizing these women. And so many nursing mothers have done some questionable things to follow this trend.

Pregnancy is not easy (ask anyone) Labor is not a walk in  the park (don't even get me started on that!) and taking care of a new born is craaaazy!!!! We women have a lot of things on our shoulders, a lot of people depending on us, a lot of responsibilities. Why do we add to all of these with the craze to get back our pre-pregnancy bodies??? i have seen women who starve themselves, breast feeding mothers ooo. They dont eat or eat very little just so they don't add weight. They choose to give their little angels less nutrition than she deserves just to tell the world "i am a hot mama". You see babies suck and get agitated because the milk supply is low because mummy chose not to eat! OR women who introduce formulas earlier than they actually want to just so they can starve themselves without the guilt of starving the baby. Ah ah! Where is our sense of priority? When did all these even start? Who did this to us?

The pressure is real! Everybody can't be like this na

A lot of people hide behind their computers, laptops and phones to pronounce judgement on nursing mothers. After Mercy Johnson had her 2nd baby, she didnt lose the baby fat fast enough for online trolls who seized every opportunity to 'yab' her at how fat she had become. Now that she has lost the weight, i saw a comment where someone was saying that she lost it too fast and that she looks 'sunken'! Can you ever please everyone? ABSOLUTELY NOT!

This our generation are experts at creating and unleashing unnecessary pressure on ourselves. Instead of enjoying the beauty of the miracle God just used you to accomplish, you are on social media torturing yourself with pictures of post baby bodies that you wish you will have. Every one is different - with different body types and metabolisms. Please accept that.

And who even decided that slim is more beautiful that big? Or that slim people are more healthy and fitter. I am slim but i know a few bigger people who can outrun me any day, anytime. Who are probably waaay fitter than i am. "Slim" doesn't translate to "Fit".

Celebrities don't make it easy too. Always showing off their bodies a few minutes after they step out of labor room, to tell us how super human they are. And that's why i sincerely thank Tiwa Savage for taking the time to let us know that they, celebrities, also struggle. That they are human and feel the pressure too, like all us regular people. Tiwa Savage said it all "YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL"

Just eat right, as best you can. Try to do some exercise on a regular basis. Look good. Wear size and body appropriate clothes and carry yourself well. Leave the competition to those in a contest. You shouldn't be in that contest with them. Be your own person, in your own lane. And if anyone tells you "You are too fat, are you the first person to give birth"? Tell them to do a mail to God who gave you the body type and the metabolism!
Shikena!

Mothers rock to infinity and back - no matter the body type they have!!!

My Job? I am a housewife

Online dictionary defines housewife to be " a married woman whose main occupation is caring for her family, managing household affairs and doing housework"

That definition says "main occupation" right? Does that go to say that there may be a side or part time occupation too? I think that's EXACTLY what it means.

I know this is a delicate discussion to have. Seeing as many women have decided on their own to be stay at home mums, at least until their kids get to a certain age. I usually applaud mums like these.

But i decided to write about this after the discussion i had with a friend a few days back. We were discussing PURPOSE: What purpose is and How one discovers her purpose. As the discussion progressed, my friend said something that got me thinking. She said "Some women actually think that being a housewife is a purpose. It isn't. At all at all. They should get up and seek their purpose joor instead of just wasting their time."  We had a little argument about this and moved to something else. But what she said stuck in my head.
Does it mean that being a housewife isnt Job enough? Must every woman work? So women who have chosen to be stay at home mums arent living a purpose? These thoughts occupied my mind. I then realized what my friend really meant.
Women are, by nature, motherly. We naturally transform into wives and mothers as we get to those destinations and the "Job" comes naturally to us. We care for our family -husbands and kids inclusive, and do all that comes in between. It is who we are. But should that be ALL WE ARE ABOUT???

Should a woman, with all her qualities, attributes and intellect come and go without having to do anything else but take care of the kids? What happens when the kids are all grown and dont need us as much? Do we then start scrambling looking for what to do with our lives?

I know many women who are well educated, some even have Master's degree - some have been told by their husband's not to do anything. "I can take care of all your needs. You dont need a job" They say. Some, on their own, have decided to be full time housewives. They say they wouldn't leave their kids to do anything else. But thinking about it  now, there are many things one can do without really "Leaving the kids".

I feel that women should maximize their potential while still being good wives and mothers. There is a lot of advantage attached to doing something on your own. It mustn't be a big deal or a money making venture. It could even be a volunteer kind of job. Just doing something else apart from 'wife and mother' is very fulfilling and should be encouraged for women. Your husband may be paying you a great deal as allowance but you need to experience what it feels like to do something for yourself - independent of your family.
Women need to realize that they have a lot to offer and confining all that to just your family is somewhat selfish and doesnt even help you as a person. That's why you find grumpy elderly women who go about looking for trouble in their son's and daughter's homes. Most dont have better to do!

So, while you remain that fantastic wife, mother and life coach for your family, sit down and figure out what else you can do on the side. To help engage your mind and brain, to make you a contributor towards the world at large and most importantly to give you maximum fulfillment.

Shout out to all wives and mothers -  You all rock!

The thin line between "The Concerned neighbor" and "The Poke-noser" A.K.A "Aproko"

I always say it that Nigerians are their Brother's keeper.

Its just that things have been bad that people dont feel safe anymore to "keep" for their brothers and sisters. LOL

When i was growing up, my whole village raised me. I remember how our neighbors scold me when they see me doing something wrong. Some of them sometimes even leave their foods on fire to come and report me to my grandmother! And they will wait while my grandmother took 'action' on me for whatever offence had just being reported to her. (When they finally remember they put food on fire, it gave me a different kind of joy to see them gather their wrappers and race all the way to their houses. LOL)

That community living is gradually leaving us as a people. We see things go wrong and we are scared to approach our neighbours. We dont know how they will take it. And rightly so, because many people have been given the embarrassment of their lives just because they went to give advise or suggestion.

SCENARIO A
My cousin pinged me on bbm a few days back to tell me she thinks she just crossed that tiny street between concerned citizen and Aproko. She was walking down the street when she saw a little girl less than 3 years old crying profusely while being carried by her older sibling. A woman who seemed to be their mum was walking behind them. The cry was increasing in vibration and momentum that my cousin looked closer to see if she could decode why. She noticed that the little girl had relaxer on her hair. And the way she as touching her head and shaking her head made her believe the relaxar might be hurting her. My cousin couldnt take it anymore so she walked up to them and said " madam, this relaxer is paining this girl na. Dont you think she is too young for this?" The look the woman threw her could melt butter! The woman just retorted "Is it your business. Mtchewww"?
Well, nobody needed to tell my cousin to face her front and go her way.
When she told me, i actually asked her what was her business inside, But when i thought of it very well, i saw she actually did the right thing. And i would probably have don same if i were in her shoes!

SCENARIO B
A family in the street i lived on as a single girl had a teenage daughter. Whenever the parents werent home,this girl came downstairs and hung around with boys on the street. She always made sure to go back upstairs before her parents came home. Everyone on the street knew how 'friendly' she was with the boys except her parents. On so many occasions, i overhead people discussing her and how she will soon "get spoilt, if she already wasnt". Now, the thing is that her parents were very troublesome people. Nobody related with them because they were always ready for a fight or quarrel. So many times, i asked "Why doesnt someone tell  this girl's parents about her behavior?" And i was always told that if i wanted the biggest embarrassment of my life, i should go and knock on their door. So noone did. Till the girl got sick. It was hush hush but the rumor was she was pregnant. We stopped seeing her a while before i moved from there and the story was that she was sent to the east to live with her aunty. To keep her away from the shame.
How things would have ended differently if her parents were approachable people who took advise!

We, as a people, dont like being corrected. A lot of us see correction as criticism. I know that there are actually very critical people that go up and down looking for people to criticize but then, that isnt everybody.

Mothers flare up when people try to correct their kids. I think it makes us feel like those people are judging us and indirectly saying we are inadequate. Let's calm down a bit more na, haba! Some of these people actually have good intentions but we shut them up before we even hear it!

The truth is that NOONE KNOWS IT ALL. You cannot be right all the time. Someone else might know more than you. You can only see your front, you cant see your back. These are life's truths.
Our society is falling apart because a lot of wrongs are going unchecked. people that could have helped keep their mouths shut so they dont get labelled "Poke-nosers"

Lets be more open to correction. Listen to what the person has to say. Take  minute to think it through and see if there is sense in it. Discard if not. Use if it makes sense.

I think we need wisdom. And only God can give wisdom so i think we should ask God for wisdom.
Wisdom to know what to accept and apply and what to discard. Wisdom to do the right thing

The elders that said "It takes a village to raise a child" knew what they were saying. Don't you think?

Our kids are tough as nails!

Once a woman gives birth, she becomes a mother-hen! She hovers round her kids and tries to safe them from all harm - physical, mental, psychological even spiritual!

You see a mum take her baby forr immunization and as the nurse inserts the injection in the child, the mother winces in pain on behalf of the child! (i do it too and at the end, i wonder what da heck i was squeezing face for. LOL) Sometimes, the child doesnt even react as much.

We look at our children and see them as fragile beings that cant withstand anything at all. how wrong we are. Our kids are as tough as nails!

Scenario A

This morning, as i was getting ready to go out, my son came rushing in "Mummy, mummy, i hurt my leg". I looked at his leg and true enough, he had a cut on his second toe. I became mad (Like i usually am when they hurt themselves) Mad that i couldn't stop the harm before it happened. mad that i was probably negligent in a way for my child to hurt himself in the first place. Mad that they won't sit down in one place! I asked him how it happened and he said he hit his leg against the door. I told him "Sorry" admonished him for been so reckless and told him to go sit down. I was already feeling very bad. School resumes on Monday, how will he wear his school shoe if he has a cut on his leg? Will he attend first day of a new term in sandals? See me racking my head!

I went and got cotten wool, dipped it in antiseptic and went to where he was seating to clean the wound. As i  dabbed it with antiseptic, i was wincing in perceive pain on his behalf. I kept saying "Sorry" with each dab. After my 4th "Sorry" my son looked around and said "Mummy, who have you being saying Sorry, Sorry to?" I said " You, now" and the boy asked me "WHY"?

Can you even imagine that?????

I just threw away the cotton wool and walked away.

So i dey there dey break head, dey think about his leg, how much pain he probably is in, what he will wear to school and the guy wasn't feeling a thing!

You see, we underestimate our kids and what they can absorb. Those children are not as fragile as we think them to be. Lots of parents don't discipline their children, however small, just because they think "He is too fragile. If i spank him, i will injure him".
I am a firm believer in "Spare the rod, spoil the child". Children should be disciplined if they are to become responsible. But that doesn't mean we should kill them. As adults, we should know how to create a balance. We should know the punishment that is reasonable to give for what offence and for what age bracket (if you don't know, please ask ooo. Dont go and kill your child)
BALANCE IS KEY!

Don't let them get away with everything just because you look at them as crate of eggs. I have seen mums who say "He is too young to be spanked. I will start spanking him when he gets to 10 years or thereabout". Aunty, it  might be too late by then!

These kids are tough.

We love them very much but we should not hurt them with love. Letting them get away with things that will spoil their character in future is tantamount to cutting them with a knife right now. You are hurting them and that scar will always be there. Some adults today look back and blame their parents for their bad behaviors. they say "If only my mum and corrected me when i started this behavior, i wouldn't have turned out this way"

Don't be that  mother.

Love your kids, but love then with sense.

God bless!

The bane of single motherhood

I was on one of the popular blogs when i came across a write up about the challenges of single mothers. The author of said write up was herself a single mother. She talked about the stigma, the challenge it poses in dating and the wrong perception people have about single mothers.

Then came the reactions!

People came for her head and her blood. They judged, they condemned. They rationalized. But i was happy to see that a lot of people actually stood with single mothers - even though they weren't single mothers themselves.

Comments like this one above opened by eyes to how judgmental some of us can be! Who died and made us Judge and Jury???

So a woman gets pregnant means she is loose? I can bet the person who made this comment isn't a virgin herself. So if you have had sex at one time or another, with a man who isn't your husband, what gives you the right to judge another?

Scenario A

A lady who went through university without having sex, finally had sex while waiting for her call up letter. It wasn't planned, it just happened after a night of clubbing with her close friend (a guy). They were aware enough to use a condom. So when she woke up the next morning crying and asking what on earth she just did, she was at least consoled by the fact that she played safe. A few weeks later, she feel ill. Vomiting and weak. She didn't think twice before going to the hospital. She was asked to do a pregnancy test among-st other tests. she obliged. What is there to fear? Test results came back. Malaria - Nil, Thyphoid - Nil, Pregnancy - Positive. She couldn't believe it! How???? She called the guy, he said "Ohhh, what do we do. I am not ready to get married now". She never called him again. He tried getting in touch a couple of times but she could sense he would rather stay away so she just let him off the hook. Well, abortion was out of it. So she went home and kept quiet. months later, her mum noticed and called her. She said YES she was pregnant. Mother cried and cried. Father threw her out of the house. She went to an aunt's. Eventually father calmed down and asked her to come home. That was almost when she was due. She came home in time for the baby to be born. Immediately that baby came, grandfather and grandmother fell in love with the baby. They told her to go for her service that they will take care of the baby. They have been doing that for the past 8 years now while the girl is in Lagos finding her feet. She has dated a few people and she is always upfront about her situation. She got married last year to a guy who is asking her to go bring her daughter to live with them.

True life story!

Now, here is another angle to the issue.

If this lady hadn't aborted that baby, she would have being stigmatized, probably disowned by family but at least she would have had a child today.

Why the stigmatization??? A lot of people didn't bargain to be single mothers. They just did what sooo many other ladies do, only they got stuck. Because people want to run from the stigma, they end up putting their lives and futures in danger by way of abortions. A lot have died, many have destroyed their reproductive organs. Some will say "You probably used a quack". That's not true. Even so called professionals could botch an abortion process. It happens!

Why don't we be more understanding. We don't we be more accommodating. It takes courage to look the world in the eye and say "I am seeing this pregnancy through and birthing this child no matter what you think of me"! That is undiluted courage and i salute everyone who has made this decision. Lets not look down on them. Lots of men have left really good women, just cos she has a child. That one you eventually go to marry without a child out of wedlock,can u categorically say she has never gotten pregnant before? Can u hit your chest and say how many abortions she has had?

There is a lot more to life than what we see. Ibos have a proverb that say "You never know which child will be a titled man in future". You never know, or do you?

Lets quit with the judgements, please. Even for those who decided on their own to be single mums. That's their decision. Not yours. It doesn't concern you. Mind your business!

I dont like people that write other people off just because of a mistake they made. "Second chance" is a word for a reason.

Before you judge a single mother, make sure you 

a) Are a virgin

b) Have never made a mistake in your life

c) Can see the future

He who is without sin be the first to cast a stone!

DISCLAIMER - This isn't in any way encouraging premarital sex. If anything, ABSTINENCE is the best thing! The peace of mind it brings cannot be overemphasized. You're not worried about pregnancy or STDs. You feel free and strong. Like you are doing what others find it difficult to do! Abstinence is the way to go!

I am a bad mother?

Scenario A
"I go to drop my son of at school one morning.  Got to the gate and the gate man looks at me in confusion "madam,u forget say today na mid-term break?" I look at him in shock, then anger,then shame. I had not checked my son's school bag in some days now because the past week has been brutal at work and I get home late,tired and barely able to stand on my feet. I grab his bag and look inside and funny enough, there was a circular in it dated 3 days ago,informing parents of the 2 day mid-term break. Now am really confused and really almost late got work. I hadn't made arrangements for where he will stay for mid-term! I am getting really agitated now. I call my neighbour whose kids go to the same school and thankfully, they are home with their nanny. I ask that I come drop off my son. She is happy to help. I zoom around and drive back home. As i drop him off, my neighbour asks "but how didn't you know about the mid-term? I know you work but you should know these things na". She makes me feel 100 times worse! As I drive to the office,all I could think of is "what kind of mother doesn't know when her son's school is on break?  Oh Lord,am I that horrible kind of mother i read about in the news??? Tears blur my vision and messes up my makeup as i drive to work"

This is a para-phrased real life story a friend told me. She,like so many mothers out there, have doubts occasionally about their parenting skills. They sometimes feel like failures in the business of Parenting.

Scenario B
You were raised 'old school style' - flogged when you mess up. You adopt that method with your kids because, well, you turned out fine (after all said and done ). Other women criticise you. "That's not parenting.  That's child abuse", they say. "How can you still be using cane in this 21st century?"
You are confused. "So how do I correct my child when he is naughty? ", you ask. "Speak to him. Make him see reasons. Give him a time-out. Deny him some things he likes. "
OK.  Sounds good
You try it. It's not working. You son is getting naughtier and naughtier. Oh God! What do I do? What am I not doing correctly? Am definitely a bad mother! If not,why is this generally acclaimed method not working for me???

Scenario C
My son is playing in the house. Running and jumping all around. I shout and shout. "Don't climb that chair", "stop running in house", "the sitting room isn't a football field" but I could as well be talking in my sleep for all the good that did me!
I was making dinner in the kitchen when I heard him scream. I rush to his room and see him holding his head. He had hit his head on the edge of the door as he was running! I saw blood. My heart froze. I started panicking. I cleaned the wound. It wasn't much but it was beginning to swell up. I brought ice and tried to dab it. He was screaming.  So I put on my slippers and rushed him to the hospital. By the time we got there, his forehead had swollen like he had an apple embedded in it! I couldn't believe my eyes at how rapid that thing grew. Check out looks from other mums at the hospital reception! They were looking at me with contempt. Like I was a ruly child that should be flogged. One actually walked up to me to ask what happened. I told her and she said "ah ah, which kain dinner where you making that you didn't know exactly what your son was doing? Thank God it's just a cut oo.  You should pay more attention to him next time". I felt like slapping her! Like seriously! A 4 year old boy? Should I tie his legs with a rope? Abi I should be following him bumper to bumper???? Is that what being a mum is about? So people in the house shouldn't eat because we have a toddler???

Motherhood is hard! Yes, it's really hard! I, for one don't think there is a road map to this business. These our precious children didn't come with a manual. We haven't been parents before we became parents. It's a sort of "learning on the job" situation.  Funny thing is, you don't  get to know how well or how badly you did until years later when the kids are grown.

Some people claim to know how to parent fantastically. They make every other person seem like a failure. They are quick to tell you you are doing it wrong. They are quick to criticise you. You look at these people and wonder "chei,  can I measure up"? But sometimes, these people know in their hearts they they are also just groping in the dark!

I tell people, you just go ahead and do the best you can for your kids. Don't look at that other family. The tactics to fighting a battle may differ, though all moving towards the aim of winning the war. You must not have the same tactics as the other person. But that doesn't mean you aren't doing the right thing and what's best for your kids.

A lot of people will criticise the woman in scenario A above. "How didn't she know about the mid-term? Some women sef! What kind of tiredness will make her not check her son's school bag............." Today, i want to tell you DONT BE SO IN A HURRY TO JUDGE ANOTHER WOMAN. Many women with demanding jobs actually do this same thing. May not be right, but its what it is. Nobody is perfect. We learn as we go on. Now this has happened to this woman, am sure she will try and do better. We are all learners in this business so let's learn to cut each other some slack.

We need wisdom from above to excel in parenting.

Shout out to all mothers trying their best to do right by their kids. God bless you all and may you reap the fruit of your labors. May God grant us all wisdom to raise our precious ones the right way so we, our family and our society are better for it in future. Amen!

Women! Do they ever know what they want?

Saw this on Facebook. Even though i know its meant as a joke but I found it quite insulting

Are women really as complicated as men say they are?? There are so many jokes around showing women as really complex beings who do not even know what they want talk - making it practically impossible for the men in their lives to know how to relate with them.

But is this true????

Absolutely not!

Men are different from women - in everything. God made it so from the beginning.  But that's really what makes it all fun. They say that men are straight forward - but that is very subjective. If the person you are relating with doesn't understand you, then you aren't straight forward. And lots of women don't understand lots of men.
The simple truth is that most men are "relationship - lazy". Lazy to pay attention. Lazy to take out time to understand. Lazy to study. Its this laziness that cause a lot of guys to say "Women are complex".

Let me break it down for you.

Don't just hear what she is saying, LISTEN. To the undertone.
She says "you don't care. Your job is your wife. You don't put your family first". You ask her "what do you want me to do? I shouldn't work again". She says "work ooo, am I holding you". You are confused. WHAT ON EARTH DOES SHE WANT FROM ME? U NEED TO PUT FOOD ON THE TABLE. That is very good dear - noble of you but She wants you to spend some time with her and the children -  just focused on them. Thats what she wants. She doesn't want to come out to say it because she feels it makes her  look weak and needy. So she makes a camouflage case. It takes a wise man to decode.
No man is a mind reader, YES. But in your job, You anticipate your client's needs, your boss's action/reaction. You take out time to be on top of situations. You put in work for everything that is valuable to you in your place of business. But back home, You relax. You don't take the time. Every partnership requires to be worked on for it to succeed.

Most women aren't courageous enough to come out plain and tell you what is upsetting them. They use different methods to pass across the message that they aren't happy. The SILENT TREATMENT is one of those methods.
When a woman starts with the SILENT TREATMENT, an observing man will notice and be able to pin point around what time it started and what happened in the time that may be the culprit. Other guys will just chuck it up to "her winch don start". They ignore her and resentment builds in her heart.

Some women are courageous enough to tell you exactly what is bothering them and then the men say things like "You don't have a case. Is it this non - issue you are breaking head for? You're not even making sense". Sentences like this stab a woman in the soul. She just told you what is worrying her and you say its a "Non -  issue". That means your are saying she is a mad person that is worried about a non - issue. She has told you what is bothering her, whether it makes sense to you or not - THAT IS WHAT IS BOTHERING HER ! The least you can do is try and see how you guys can work it out instead of making her feel little for opening up to you.

During dating - men take time to check their girlfriend's countenance to see when she is happy or not and race to make things right. Why does it stop in marriage??? Marriage that is the long haul? It beats me. It honestly does.